Americanized Food
by PotatoPanda88
Summary: America has different tastes than the other nations. So, he decides that he wants to share his takes on the other nation's cuisine with the actual nation. It doesn't go as planned.
1. Not-a the Pizza!

I don't own Hetalia. Everyone knows that though. These disclaimers are actually rather pointless. Anyways, enjoy the crappy story!

* * *

The time was... I guess now... Yeah!

After the various wars that America had gone through, he was very hungry, and his men were as well. Problem was, America's soldiers were deported all over the world, so they developed many different taste buds. For example:

 **Italy, WWII**

"Oh man, I'm kinda hungry."

"Dude, we all are!" 2 American solders were standing guard at a building they had just taken over as a base.

"Well, my brotha's, I think I have just the thing for you!" America walked up the the men standing guard and held up a plate.

"Woah! What is that stuff?"

"I dunno, but when I stayed with Britain, he told me that Italy was a very good cook. I'm more inclined towards a good burger, so here."

"*Nom* Hey, this is pretty good!"

"We got stuff like this at home, right?"

"Uhh..."

* * *

Yeah, like that.

"Eitherway, America didn't have the tastebuds that matched the cuisine of other countries, so he had to take some things from the other cuisine and change it up a bit. Much to the discontent of the other nations.

* * *

"Yo, Italy! Romania!"

"It's-a Romano you dumb-f*ck-a!"

"Oh, hey America! Do you-a need something?"

"Dudes, check it! I got something I think you'll like!"

"Um, alright, but it-a better not be another-a god damn Mario Game! Japan showed me and Italy, saying he modeled it after my-a glorious MOOSTACHE-A!"

"Uh, no. You guys are gonna dig this!" America took the brothers and brought them into his house.

"So, you know how you guys eat pizza and spaghetti and stuff?"

" _Che?_ "

"Well, I made something wonderful so that you guys don't have to bust your backs making pizza dough and shredding cheese and stuff!"

"But, cooking is-a the fun part-a!" Italy pouted, but Romano was interested.

"Wait, I can-a do less work-a! Tell me! TELL-A ME ABOUT THIS-A WONDERFUL DISCOVERY!" Romano was smiling as he saw America go into his freezer, and pulled out a flat box with a picture of a pizza on it.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... FROZEN PIZZA!" America held the box in front of Romano and Italy.

"...What-a the f*ck is-a that?"

"Ve~?"

"Dude, it's pizza! Here, lemme show you how you make it." America opened the box and popped out a hard pizza."

"So basically, it's-a rock pizza with-a no fresh ingredients?" Romano was scowling, as he saw America pop the pizza into the oven. He turned the oven on for 20 minutes, and turned to Romano.

"C'mon man, it's still pizza!"

" _Fratello,_ as least he's-a not doing anything to pasta!"

"Actually, I made it easier to make italian food too!"

" _Che!?_ "

"But first, we gotta eat some of this awesome pizza!"

"Well, what-a the hell do we do while we-a wait?"

"We can always play video games."

"Fine, what do you-a have?"

"Well, I got this game called Great Robbery of Cars."

"America, that's-a just a bad rip off of Grand Theft Au-"

"Shut up! We can't talk about proper copyright! At least, not without China!"

"Well, let's-a just play!" America turned the game on, and gave Italy and Romano controllers. Romano got the hang of the game pretty quickly, but Italy just plain sucked.

"Ve~ how do I-a shoot the rocket-a launchers?"

"You-a need to click this button, _idioso!_ "

"Oh. How do I carjack?"

"You click that button while near the car, dude."

"Ah. How do I-"

"SHUDDUP-A!"

*Ding*

"Oh, the pizza's ready dudes!" America paused the game, and ran into the kitchen. He got a plate, and took the pizza out from the oven. As he put the pizza on the plate, Romano looked at the pizza.

"Well, it looks-a more appetizing now, I guess. I-a still say it will taste-a bad!"

"Ve~ Romano! You-a might like it though!"

"Yeah! C'mon, let's eat!" America cut the pizza with scissors, and gave a slice to Romano and Italy.

"*Nom* It-a doesn't taste-a too bad, right _Fratello?_ "

"*Nom*" Romano chewed the pizza, closing his eyes and taking note of every bit of flavor.

"So, how do you like it?"

"America, I'm-a surprised! It isn't as bad as I thought!"

"Really!?"

"No... Its-a WORSE! I mean, the ingredient's aren't fresh at all, the meat has preservatives you-a can taste, the vegetables aren't-a juicy, and the pizza dough tastes like a _PUTTANA'S VAGI-_ "

" _Fratello,_ this is a T rated-a story! You-a can't say that!"

"So what? There was hentai references-a in the one where China-"

"Dude! This is good pizza!"

"It's-a not fresh! I demand-a fresh pizza!"

"Fine dude, just chill. Imma tell you what. I'll call up a pizzaria, and you guys can have some freshly made pizza!"

"Ah, Pizzaria? Me and my idiot-a brother have those at-a home too! I hope you don't-a f*ck this up" Romano gave America the phone, and watched with Italy as America called up a pizza place.

"Hello? Pizza Cottage? Yeah, it's Alfred again. Can I get the usual please? With extra cheese please? Thanks dude! Okay, the pizza's coming soon!"

"I heard that if we don't-a get it in 30 minutes, it's-a free."

"That's right dude!"

"I say we-a cover your front pavement in-a tar so he get's stuck in it!"

"I tried before dude, and they know that I'm cheap. Nowadays, they just send Japan to deliver the pizzas."

"What? Why-a would they do-a that? Ve-"

"He's a ninja, and he gets the pizza here super fast. In fact, the pizza should be on the table just about now." Romano and Italy turned to the dining table, and saw that there were 2 flat boxes on the table, with steam coming out of them.

"Well, it-a smells better."

"Dudes, have you ever tried a New York Style Pizza?"

" _Che cosa?_ "

"Well, it's a flat crust pizza, and you gotta fold it to eat it."

"Sounds-a dumb."

"It's not dude. And it's WAY better than frozen pizza."

"Well, anything is-a better than that-a crapola!"

"Dude, just try the pizza! I know you're gonna love it!" America opened the first box and revealed a pizza pie with cheese and pepperoni.

"Nice and simple-a, with-a no vegetables for you to-a ruin, huh?"

"Eat the damn pizza Romano!" America started eating a slice with happiness, while Romano eyed the pizza.

"I've only seen so much-a cheese on one of my sicilian-a pizzas, and there was enough crust to balance that out, But this, are you-a trying to gorge me to-a death on this pizza?"

"Ve- it's not-a to bad! At least there's no cheese in-a the crust!" Italy ate the pizza unti he had the crust left. When he bit in, he was disappointed.

"There is-a cheese? Aww..."

"Dude, the cheese in the crust is awesome! You gotta try it Romano!"

"No, I-a refuse to eat this! My pizza is-a way better than your pizza!"

"Like hell it is! Fine, then try this!" America reached into the second box, and pulled out what appeared to be a piece of pie. Pie filled with tomato sauce, cheese and pepperoni.

"What-a the f*ck is-a that!?"

"It's a Chicago Deep Dish Pizza! It's like an actual pie made of pizza!" America gave the slice to Romano, and Romano only looked at it before refusing it.

"Are you-a trying to-a give me diabetes!?"

"Fine then, more for me then!" America took the slice and started eating it.

"You're pizza is-a so weird!"

"Um, America?"

"Oh, Italy, you were so quiet most of the time. You okay bro?" America saw Italy flinch nervously.

"Well, I couldn't-a help but-a think, what did-a you do with-a pasta?"

"Oh, well my man, I got just the thing for you!" America reached into the cabinet and pulled out a can.

"I give you, SPAGHETTI-OS!" Romano spoke up

"Wait, so Spaghetti-os is-a the only thing we-a don't censor?"

"America, what's-a in that can?"

"Dude, pasta!"

"But, you need to boil it!"

"Not anymore dude!" America opened the can and put it into the microwave. He heated the can and gave it to Italy."

"Um, I don't-a think I want to-a try this, ve~"

"Just-a try it! I had to-a suffer through 3 kinds of pizza mutilation!"

"Well, I guess that-a it won't kill me." Italy picked up a fork with spaghetti-os on it, and moved it closer to his mouth.

 **5 Minutes Later**

"VAFFUNCULO PUTTANA! VAI ALL'INFERNO! NON MI PIACE! PERCHE AMERICA!?" Italy was throwing the can's contents at America, who was dodging them as fast as he could.

"Dude, I never saw Italy this angry!"

"I only-a saw this-a go down once! When Turkey took his-a pasta when Italy was with that Holy Roman Empire bastardo!"

"V-A-F-F! CULO!" Italy was running towards America, ready to punch him.

"Italy, stop-a this right-a now!" Romano was trying to hold Italy back, and lifted him up over his shoulders."

"You grease ball! I'll-a rip out your intestines and make a better pasta then that _mierda_! And I'll-a use your blood as sauce!" Romano pulled Italy out of the house and left. Even as they left the house, America could hear Italy screaming.

" _Mierda_ , Romano! It tasted just like it!"

"It's-a okay brother. The mean man won't-a hurt us anymore-a." America sat down on is couch.

"Whew! Man, I never knew Italy could go so ape on me like that! I gotta watch some TV to forget that!" America turned the TV on and started to watch a show called Game of Chairs, a horrible parody of Game of Thrones. Then, a commercial turned on for a place called Panda Express. America looked at the TV, and started smiling. He picked up the phone and waited."

*Ring Ring*

" _Wei?_ "

"Yo, China! You gotta come over! I need to show you something awesome!"


	2. Why is the Chicken Orange-aru?

"Aiyaa. Bust my skinny ass just to come to this fat country-aru. This is utter bullshit." China walked down the halls of the airport in America. He was looking around for a particular loud american.

"YO! CHINA!" America was yelling from 10 meters away from China, interrupting the daily agenda of everyone in the airport with his yelling.

"Aiyaa!" China ran up to America to cover his mouth. "You so loud-aru! What's wrong with you!?" China lifted the hand so America could talk.

"Sorry dude, but I'm so hyped for this shit!"

"What is so important that you pull me away from my lunch from the other side of the god damn earth-aru?"

"Actually, it's just that! I want to show you something that will make your visits to America much more enjoyable!"

"Oh my sweet lord, you didn't!"

"I did dude! Wanna see!?"

"Yes-aru!"

 **2 Hours Later**

"This isn't a H*llo K*tty store-aru!" China was in the passenger seat of America's car, parked in front of a building. It had a picture of a panda chewing bamboo, and it had the words 'Panda Express' on the front.

"Dude, you're gonna love this place! It's so authentic!"

"I don't trust anything you would feed me."

"Would you choose between me or Iggy's greasy fish and chips? I still don't know why he doesn't call them french fries."

"Fine, I will try this place's food-aru." China and America got out of the car, and they both walked inside the restaurant. The first thing that hit China's nose was the smell of food.

"*Sniff sniff* Well, it doesn't smell bad, but it doesn't smell familiar as well."

"Dude, this place is freakin' awesome! You gotta try the food they got here!" As America assured China he wouldn't be let down by the food, a girl in a Panda Express outfit went to get them.

"Hello, welcome to Panda Express. We have a table for 2 just ready for you." The girl smiled, as she escorted the nations to a vacant table. As they sat down, China took note of everything to make sure that it was up to standards.

"White waitresses, Lack of tablecloths, severe lack of red-"

"Dude, just stop."

"Huh?"

"Just wait until we get food. Here, look at the menu." America handed China a menu, but China was baffled by the choices.

"Hmm, the menu comes in only english, and no chinese-aru. Bad sign America. Bad sign. Now, I've never heard of these dishes. What would you recommend?"

"Oh, don't worry! If you can't choose nothing, I'll just order the most popular thing for you!"

"Ah, thank you... I guess." While China was eyeing the chopsticks, a waiter came around, with a notepad for taking orders.

"Hello, may I take your order-aru?" It was a different girl, and she was chinese. China was happy about that.

"Finally! A Chinese person in this white hell-aru!"

"Excuse me?"

"Sorry! My man here's a bit nervous. It's one of the few times he's been to America. Now, can I have an order of orange chicken, Genaral Tsao's chicken, Kung Pao chicken, and 2 egg rolls? Oh, and some rice too! And some chicken balls!"

"Thank you. Is that all?"

"Well, what drinks do you have-aru?"

"Well, we serve pop, water, and juice-aru! What would you like?"

"I'll have a large coke!"

"Aiyaa. Some water is fine."

"Okay! Thank you!" As the girl walked away, China glared at America.

"No tea-aru? 5 points from Gryffindor America. 5 points from Gryffindor."

"What!? But that's the best house! That's the hero house! Fine, what's your H*rry P*tter house then!?"

"Ravenclaw, obviously-aru. I have over 4000 years of intellect and wisdom." As they discussed the best house in H*rry P*tter, the waiter came back with a drink in each hand.

"A coke for you!" said the waiter, giving a large coke to America. "And a coke for you-aru!" She gave the water to China, and went to serve the other people.

"So, as I was saying-aru. Ravenclaw has the smartest wizards ever. And according to your western RPGs like D*ngeons and D*agons, intelligence is a skill required for wizards. So HA-aru."

"Yeah, well we had Dumbledore! And he was the only wizard Voldy was scared of!" As they continued their debate, the food had come.

"Thanks, dude!" America went, picking up a fork. He handed a fork to China.

"No thank you-aru. Chopsticks for me. So, what should we eat first-aru?"

"Hmm, how about we try this classic!" America beamed, holding up a bowl of orange chicken.

"I... What is that?"

"Orange chicken, dude! Here, eat it!" America stabbed a chicken piece with his fork, and stuck it into China's open mouth. China almost gagged, but started chewing.

"Well, it's not bad... I don't think it's good either. But, why is it orange-aru!? Did you test one of your atomic bombs on it?"

"You would know about atomic weapons. Here, try this then." America held up a fork with a piece of brown chicken, with a sauce coating. He was about to fly it into China's mouth, but he caught it with his chopsticks.

"No. Stop that-aru." China picked off the chicken with his chopsticks, and popped it into his mouth.

"So, you like?"

"No-aru! This is so greasy!" China took a swig of water after eating the chicken. "What is that!?"

"It's called General Tsao's chicken."

"If there ever was a Tsao in any one of my various armies in history, this chicken sadly dishonors him-aru!"

"Fine then. Here, take this!"

"What is that-aru? It looks like a soggy springroll on steroids!"

"It's an eggroll."

"Fine, it doesn't look poisonous, at the very least." America watched as China nibbled on the eggroll.

"...This IS a soggy springroll on steroids-aru! And there's barely any egg inside!"

"Jesus man, you're turning down everything!"

"What's this-aru?" China held up a bowl of small chicken bits with vegetables.

"Oh, that's called Kung Pao Chicken!"

"What-aru? We have that in szechuan cooking-aru! I hope it's spicy."

"Oh, it's spicy as hell, dude!" America watched as China took a piece of chicken and ate it.

"*Nom* It's not bad, but..."

"But?"

"This isn't spicy at ALL! You white boys complain all the time about spicy food when the food is about as mild as a suggestive 14 and up ecchi hentai!"

"Ecchi?"

"Softcore hentai."

"Hentai?"

"Don't you hang around with Japan-aru?"

"But seriously, that's not spicy for you?"

"No! And it's not authentic either. None of this crap is-aru!"

"Fine! One more dish here then! Eat this!" America held up a deep fried ball, that made China question his choices in life, and how he ended up in a restaurant that destroyed centuries of chinese cuisine.

"America?"

"Yeah?"

"...What the f*ck is that-aru?"

"It's a chicken ball!"

"A chicken ball? What's your obsession with chicken?"

"...A CHIEKIEN BAWL!"

"What part of the chicken-aru?"

"Uh, I don't really know. It's better if I don't, really. Here, eat it!" China picked up the chicken ball with his hand, and examined it very closely.

"Is there a bomb in here-aru?"

"What!? No, man!"

"Is there poison?"

"No!"

"Is there a tiny, hairy man with a various assortment of knives and screwdrivers ready to dig a home in my bladder, like a hobbit?"

"Have you been talking to Iggy again?"

"No! Well, yes-aru. But that's not point! I won't eat this!"

"It's good man! Don't you eat corrugated pig blood in szechuan food or something?"

"Well, at least I know what goes into that! I'm leaving-aru!" China got up from his seat and went out towards the door.

"Wait! There's one more thing!"

"What now!?" China caught a small packet that America threw at him. It seemed to contain a yellow looking... Marshmellow or something.

"What's this-aru!?"

"Duh, it's a fortune cookie!"

"Fortune cookie? So wait, my fortune is in this cookie?"

"Yep! Didn't you say something about a fortune cookie in the Paint it White movie?"

"Shut up-aru! Now, let's see what this one tastes like." China unwrapped the wrapper, and broke out the slip of paper with the fortune, eating away at the cookie.

"Mmm, the cookie actually tastes good-aru! Now, what does my fortune say?" China started to read the cookie, and was very confused.

" _The journey of 1000 miles begin with a single step._ This is not fortune! This is saying!"

"What's the difference?"

"...Are you stupid or something-aru?"

"Fine, maybe you won't like Panda Express, but I got stuff at home that I know you're gonna love!"

"*Sigh* Fine. But I know I won't like the diabetes you have planned for me-aru."

 **America's House**

"Okay dude, this dish is something from Massachusetts! It's definitely not authentic, but you're gonna love this!" China sat on America's couch while America carried a plate with noodles towards China. China turned on the TV, and started surfing through channels.

"Why don't you have anything good on TV-aru?"

"Dude, my TV's good, unlike your communist propaganda."

"*Sigh* Anyways, what food do you have now?"

"This!" America beamed as he held up a plate with what looked to be a dry ass sloppy joe.

"Aiyaa! Is that rotten pulled pork-aru!?"

"No man! Straight from Massachusetts, I give you; THE CHOW MEIN SANDWICH!" Upon closer inspections, China discovered that the dish was crispy chow mein noodles overflowing from a burger bun. I'm not making this dish up.

"A sandwich from chow mein? Bitch, are you stupid-aru!?"

"At least I know that I don't eat cat meat!"

"*Gasp* How. Dare. You. Talk. About. The. Cats-aru! Fine! I will eat the stupid noodle burger!" China swiped the burger in impulse, and immediately bit into it. He chewed for a while, and squinted his eyes.

"*Om nom nom* Hmm... Are you trying to poison me or something!?" China threw the burger at America, who dodged it.

"It's a noodle burger! It's like your national food and mine had sex!"

"That makes it worse-aru! Why the f*ck did you put noodles in one of your diabetic foods-aru!?"

"I just put in into the bread!"

"*Sigh* I'm leaving-aru. I'm missing proper chinese food at home." China left America's house, muttering something about wanting Jiaozi. America just sat down on his couch.

"*Sigh* It's not like it's bad food. Just, different." America turned on the TV, and started watching an episode of D*ctor W*o.

"God, I need a nap..." And America just drifted off into sleep, dreaming of Taco Bell.


End file.
